I flew back to Texas for the holidays yesterday and, as per usual when the flight attendants announce I must put away my Nook, I picked up the latest Sky Mall Magazine. Sky Mall reminds me of all the unnecessary luxuries in the world that I’ll never be rich enough to want to buy. Like a giant kite for skateboarding, or a magic wand remote control. This time I discovered a section I’d never seen before though, the “What on Earth” collection of “fun wear & delightful diversions.”

What, may you wonder, could be so ridiculously useless that Sky Mall even deemed it unusual?

Highlights:

-Pierogi Ornament that looks like just a lump of metal in a vague cresent shape.

-Beer Pager because I want to pay $30 to find a $2 can of beer that is within 6 feet of me.

-Jack-in-the-Pulpit. I really have no idea what the hell this is. It looks like a green, grinning hot dog waving and coming out of a giant leaf. You’re supposed to put it with your flowers, naturally. Sky Mall even suggests a whole row of these to welcome guests.

-Bob’s Affirmation Box that says things like “Lookin’ good today Bob!” when you open it, and an ice cube tray that makes ice in the shape of BOB. I think I know who wrote this section.

-A welcome mat featuring the image of a cat looking directly at the observer and text reading “It’s about TIME you got home.” Why not, “It’s about TIME you got home to the only thing that missed you while you were gone. Feed me.”

Thanks for the entertainment, Sky Mall.